Jokes


Please do not crack these in interviews and expect to get a Pupillage.

What’s the difference between God and a Barrister? God doesn’t think He’s a barrister.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a broken watch? Neither of them work – but the watch is right twice a day.

What’s the difference between a BVC student and a mobile phone? A mobile phone comes with a plan.

What’s the difference between a pupil and a mushroom? No difference, they’re both kept in the dark and have loads of shit shovelled on them.

How many barristers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

The Barrister wakes up after surgery and asks; ‘why are the curtains drawn?’ The nurse says, ‘there’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.’

Why can’t barristers have sex with their clients? To prevent double billing.

What happens to a barrister when he takes viagra? He gets taller.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a duck? Once in a while the duck will stick its bill up its arse.

Why do surgeons love barristers? Because they’re easy to operate on: gutless, with no organs except lips and arseholes – and those are interchangeable.

Barrister chat up line? ‘I’m a barrister. I’m trained to get you off’.

Why did the barrister cross the road? To sue the chicken.

How do you get 100 barristers in a Mini? You make 1 a High Court Judge and the other 99 will crawl up his arse.

What do you get when you cross a barrister with a demon from hell? A barrister.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What’s the difference between a cat and a barrister? One is an arrogant creature which will utterly ignore you unless you can do something for it. The other is a pet.

On holiday with their respective families Joe meets Max who he hasn’t seen for years. ‘What are you doing with yourself these days’ he asks. ‘I’m a barrister’ whispers Max, ‘but don’t tell my wife. She thinks I’m still a pimp’.

What’s the difference between a barrister and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.

A client comes to Chambers for a conference and is told that her barrister has died. The next day she comes back and asks to see that same barrister. The receptionist says ‘He’s dead and you know that. Why are you asking to see him?’ The client replies, ‘I just love hearing it’.

A pupil was sent to a far-away town to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After 3 days he won the case and the client was acquitted. Excited about his success, the pupil texted his pupilmaster “Justice prevailed.” The pupilmaster replied in haste: “Go back in and ask for permission to appeal.”

A London Silk goes shooting in Yorkshire and kills a pheasant, which falls into a field on the other side of a fence. As he climbs the fence, an elderly gentleman asks him what he’s doing. The Silk responds, “I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.” The old farmer replies, “This is my property, and tha’s not coming in.” The indignant Silk says, “I am in Chamber’s Guide and the Legal 500. If you don’t let me get the pheasant, I’ll sue you!” The farmer smiles and says, “Tha’ don’t know how we do things ‘ere in Yorkshire. We settle disagreements like this wit’ Three-Kick Rule.” The Silk asks, “What’s that?” The Farmer replies “Fust I kick thee three times, then tha kicks me three times, and so on, back and forth, until one of us gives up.” The Silk quickly decides that he can easily take the old farmer and agrees. The farmer slowly walks up to the Silk. His first kick plants his heavy work boot into the Silk’s groin and drops him to his knees. His second kick nearly wipes the man’s nose off his face. The Silk is flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly causes him to give up. But he summons every bit of his will power and manages to get to his feet and say, “Okay, you old bastard, now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiles and says, “Nay lad, I give up. Tha can have t’pheasant.”

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5 thoughts on “Jokes

  1. Last week in court my barrister told me I had come to the wrong place for justice! Then gave me his bill for £ 2.500 hello 😥

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